AskMiriam

Relationship Advice and Columns

Experimentation

Question: I have been involved with my girlfriend for 10 years now and we used to have a great sex life, but it seems we are not as interested in trying new things as we have in the past.  We tend to only have sex in the bedroom and we are not as adventurous as we used to be.  I have tried to see if anal sex would help and she was interested but is concerned it may hurt or cause damage.  We have also thought of swinging as we are both bi-curious but have never acted on our fantasies.  I think I am more willing to act out mine than she is. Is there a way to get her more interested in trying new things again?

Answer: With regard to the first part of your question about anal sex, it is really important to go very slowly at the beginning. First, talk to her about it and see if she’s still interested. Consent is vital. If she still wants to do it, use a lot of lube and just start with fingers. It’ll take time before she’s comfortable with an entire finger and then move slowly into using more. Once she’s ready, use a condom, again with lots of lube. It does take getting used to, but with time and patience, both of you will enjoy it. In terms of trying new things- in the polyamory world, we have a term called NRE, which stands for new relationship energy. In the beginning of a relationship, there’s a lot of excitement and people are more open to trying new things. This phase lasts anywhere from 6 months after the start of the relationship to a year or even longer, depending on the relationship of course. It sounds like both of you would like to try swinging, so I would suggest talking to her more about it and see how she feels about it now. Depending on where you are, you can visit a swinger’s club – in Toronto, there are clubs like M4, Wicked, and there’s also Oasis, which isn’t a swinger’s club by nature but swinging can happen there. There’s also the website Cafe Desire where you can arrange to meet people. If you go to a club, there’s no pressure to do anything. You can watch if you choose and if you feel the desire, you can join in. Some couples also do things like have sex in the same room as another couple and there’s no pressure to do other things. The most important thing in your case is communication. Your girlfriend and you should be on the same page when it comes to this stuff so that both of you will enjoy it.

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