AskMiriam

Relationship Advice and Columns

Archive for the month “February, 2013”

Vengeance

Question:

Dear Miriam,

 
My boyfriend’s ex started threatening to take his car away, since her name is on the bank loan for the car. She never once in the last year and a half that we’ve been together even mentioned the car to him. It’s not in her name nor has she ever paid the car payments. However, the other day my boyfriend decided to change the bank loan to my name, in the case that she ever tried to take him to court. What followed was an email to her with me Cc’d showing that not only was he changing it from her name–but not to his! She must have gotten furious that he had the audacity to tell her that he was passing it over to his new girlfriend. He then called her to let her know what was going on, which I thought was a very polite and mature thing to do, but she just yelled at the top of her lungs at him for a good 20 minutes and the discussion went nowhere. 
 
My question is the following: how can we quell the fire? It’s clear that she’s being irrational because she is still angry at their breakup and is willing to do anything to get back at him.
 
Help?
 
Answer: Your boyfriend definitely did the right thing sending that email and calling her. As you said, she wants to get back at him. I don’t think you need to engage with her any more than you already have. She is no longer his girlfriend and if the car wasn’t even an issue before, it’s quite likely that she’s just using this as a way to stay in contact with him. She has no business in his life anymore. The more you talk to her, the more she thinks she has an impact on him. I’d say, don’t contact her unless you absolutely have to. 
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Wise Words: Tip of the Week

I’m going to try and give 1 tip every week from now on about dating and relationships. I’ve made a repeated observation recently that I’d like to share with you, dear readers. It seems obvious, but I think it merits saying. If you’ve gone out on a date with someone or several dates and you’re not 100% sure how they feel, that’s a bad sign. I remember my very first date with my partner. It was one of the best first dates I ever had. 10 minutes after the date ended, he texted me and said, wow that was amazing. I texted back and said, agreed! I’ve met a few people recently and they said, oh I’m not sure how things are going, we’ve had a few dates, but I don’t know how they feel about me. If you find yourself saying that, either end the relationship or ask them how they feel about you. It’ll clear things up very quickly.

Thoughtful, Ruminative and Picky

I title this post thoughtful, ruminative and picky because that was a quote I heard at the Philadelphia conference about poly people and I find it’s quite relevant. I’ve been on the trip now for 2.5 weeks. As I write this, I’m sitting in a cafe in Castro, San Francisco’s gaybourhood. I started the trip in Washington DC. I hung out with my cousins who live in the area and saw a few things including the Hirschhorn Modern Art Museum and the Library of Congress. After DC, I went to Philadelphia for the PolyLiving conference, which was organized by the group Loving More. I was a bit disappointed by the content of the conference – much of the information we learned seemed fairly obvious, even for me as a newbie to poly. There were some really interesting people at the conference, including Michael and Kamala Devi from the show Polyamory: Married and Dating. For those not familiar with the show, it was a reality show that followed 2 groups – one triad and one quad. Michael and Kamala Devi formed one couple of the quad. I was really excited to meet them and I didn’t anticipate that Michael was much more good looking in person than on the show. I sat at one talk that he was at and we kept making eye contact. My partner and I talked to them when the talk was over and I asked them if anyone had propositioned them and apparently, no one had. My partner and I had made reservations at a Moroccan restaurant with others from our Toronto poly group and we invited Michael and Kamala Devi as well as their lovers Keli and James to come with us. They happily said yes. The restaurant was excellent. We had 7 courses for $25 each, not too shabby. We also had a belly dancer. Afterward, we went back to the hotel that the conference was at. We checked out a party in one of the rooms but the atmosphere was a bit off so we went back to the room of Eric, another Canadian at the conference. Kamala Devi actually had a fantasy of seeing Michael penetrate someone and that person happened to be me. I also wanted to see my partner go down on someone and Keli happily volunteered. Overall, a good time was had by all. That was Saturday night. My partner and the rest of the Toronto group left on Sunday morning/afternoon and I stayed on in Philadelphia. I even had more sex with someone else I met at the conference. I was quite proud of myself because when he climaxed, he looked like he nearly passed out. It’s always nice to see how I can affect people… On Monday afternoon, I got on the train that would take me down to Berkeley, California through Pittsburgh, Chicago, Denver and Sacramento. I stopped in Pittsburgh for 4 hours and ate at a noodle restaurant and ended up having a drink with the guy working at the counter. I explained to him about poly and the group I’m in and he found it quite interesting. We hung out until my train came and then I headed off to Chicago. I had 6 hours in Chicago so I walked around a bit, had lunch and got back to the station for the train that would take me all the way to Sacramento through Denver. I would have updated this blog around that time but I had no idea that that train doesn’t have wifi. I hope Amtrak is working on that… When I arrived in Denver, I had 1 hour to stretch my legs and I went out in search of coffee. I got a phone call from my partner during that time and I partly blame him for what would happen: I missed my train. The area around Denver Union Station was an absolute mess as well and I didn’t make it on the train. However, it actually turned out for the best – I ended up having a threesome! When I got back to the station, I went online to find an emergency couchsurfing host (check out the website couchsurfing.org – it’s awesome!). Little did I know that the people I would stay with were poly. All I garnered from their profile was that they loved food and that’s always nice. I spoke to the woman and she directed me to have brunch at a place called City Oh City, which I highly recommend if you find yourself in Denver. When I walked in the door, I started talking to a woman who was also alone and she asked me if I wanted to have lunch with her – I said yes. She was lesbian and told me that she was head over heels in love with a married woman who has never been with women. They’ve known each other for 1.5 years and have flirted quite a bit. I told the woman that it’s time to make a move- she’s waited long enough… I gave her my email and I sincerely hope she emails me to say what happens, as I’m very curious. Anyway, she gave me a lift to my host’s place. My hosts are married and have separate bedrooms and the woman told me about their poly relationships. The husband has lots of sex toys and I casually asked him if he wanted to use them on me and he said yes. It happened that that night, they had a poly friend over and he and I got along quite well. I asked the husband if he wanted to have a threesome with the friend and I and he said, yes just ask him if he’s ok with it. He was as well. We had an awesome night. I never use sex toys, so to have that experience was great. I had actually been looking forward to spending that night sleeping in a proper bed but anyway, threesomes are always nice. It’s a good thing because I wasn’t able to have sex in Berkeley during the academic poly conference. I know what you’re thinking- no sex during a poly conference?! I met a couple there who I was interested in, but the woman was on her period:( I also met a trans woman who was interested in me but I was exhausted and not interested enough in her to pursue anything. She did interview me for her radio show and that was fun. The academic conference was really interesting. We talked a lot about jealousy and that was extremely useful. I’m going through a bit of jealousy right now because my partner recently started going out with someone new. I’m of course very happy for him because he’s an amazing person and he deserves all the happiness in the world, but it’s difficult being far away and missing him so much. I’m actually pleasantly surprised at how much I miss him because it shows me how amazing our relationship is. I’m walking around San Francisco, for god’s sake, and all I can think of is him. I feel very lucky because I have a great support network and it’s only expanding on this trip, as I keep meeting other poly people, but this is all still new for me. He sent me a very very sweet email the other day reaffirming how awesome our relationship is and that was much appreciated. Giving thanks is very important when you’re poly and I’ve come to realize that. In Philadelphia, Michael said to my partner, thank you for sharing your lover with me. I was a bit put off by that at first but I realize that it’s good to acknowledge our partners’ partners for allowing us to spend time with them. Anyway, I’m now in San Francisco and I’m staying with 2 friends of mine who are a couple. They introduced me to a friend of theirs and he and I have hit it off. I’m also realizing on this trip that there are many people who want to be with me and it’s amazing that I have the freedom to be with them, but it’s a question of who I want to spend my time with. Sometimes I wish I could be with everyone because I do think that everyone has something to offer. The man I’ve met here has offered to move to Toronto to be my love slave and I’m taken aback that I have this kind of power over people. I spoke to a friend of mine in Toronto and he said that I am effectively a man with a vagina. People are drawn to me and I need to decide who I really want to be with. This is a good reminder as I think about going back to Toronto and finding another partner…

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