AskMiriam

Relationship Advice and Columns

Archive for the month “March, 2013”

Being Poly and Being Present

One thing that has eluded me in the past is really being present in the moment. I find that poly allows me to be much more present, which I really appreciate. When you have multiple partners, you need to make sure you’re attentive to each one. Part of that means that when you’re spending time with them, you are focused on them. It can be really easy, especially in this age, to be distracted. We’re checking our cellphones every few minutes or maybe we’re at a restaurant with a partner but we’re checking out someone else. The time that you have with your partner is sacred. If my partner changes work or other appointments for my sake, I feel very grateful. That means that we get more time together. Treasure every moment that you have. Poly definitely doesn’t let you take things for granted.

 

In previous posts, I’ve talked a bit about jealousy. I wanted to add more about that today. In my opinion, a relationship is like a world unto itself. When 2 or more people get together, or if you talk about the relationship you have with yourself, you begin building something that is naturally unique. This allows us to acknowledge that each relationship is different. It does not mean that one is better than the other. I like thinking of a relationship as a creature that can always be modified. If you feel you want more time with your partner, say so. We can’t read each other’s minds. We have to ask for what we want and need. 

Advertisements

Breaking Up is Hard to do… when you’re poly

One thing I have observed in the poly community is what some people call transitioning. In the monogamous world, people would often call that, breaking up. As I mentioned in an earlier post, someone said to me that poly allows relationships to evolve as they were supposed to. This sometimes means that relationships reach their natural end. Sometimes the parties involved don’t need to discuss whether the relationship should continue or not and sometime they do. However, it seems more likely in the poly community that those parties will remain friends. As I have returned from my trip and while I was on the trip, I thought a lot about what sort of relationships I would like to have. I have a lover in New York City and I’ve been thinking a lot about that connection and whether it should continue. Some have told me that I don’t really need to do anything about it; it can wax and wane in importance as it was meant to do, especially given the distance. I do very much value it because I might not have gotten involved in this lifestyle had it not been for him. However, given that we can both be very busy, it’s natural for us not to talk much of the time. I am attracted to women and I had a female partner in the summer. I have been wanting more and more to be with a woman again as I enjoy the female energy. We are strong communicators and we place a lot of value on relationships, which is what I appreciate most about women. To that end, I joined okcupid to find a female partner. We’ll see how that goes… If I am involved in a new serious relationship in Toronto, I will have less and less time for other lovers, especially if they are far away. Poly can really be a juggling act and time management is very important. I just spoke today to someone I met on the trip when I had an accidental 24 hours in Denver and it looks like we will see each other fairly soon. Now that’s what I call, going the distance… I very much look forward to it!

Sharing is Caring

I was working on Thursday night and I talked to a very interesting person. I talked to him about polyamory and he was very intrigued by it. I told him that I was interested in him, but he said that he doesn’t like to share. He offered to be a friend with benefits and I said, well I already have 2 of those and I’m looking for a more serious partner. This is a common thing I hear from monogamous people; not wanting to share. There are a few serious problems with a statement like that. First of all, we do NOT own our partners. We are all human beings and we should be able to be with whomever we choose. One of the things I love about poly is that we can be open and honest about our attractions to other people and if we choose to pursue some kind of relationship, that is our choice. Of course, some relationships don’t work out, but at least we have the chance to give it a go. Second of all, happiness should triumph over control. If our partners are happy, we’re happy too. Sometimes there’s jealousy and I have experienced that, but when my partner is happy, I share in that great mood. My partner said something great the other day; that people do not belong TO each other, rather that we belong WITH each other. If it is a conscious choice to be with someone, go with it. In our culture, assumed monogamy means that people pair off and they are forever cut off to new relationships and possibilities. If we shared more, maybe then my monogamous friends wouldn’t have to live vicariously through me so much… Happy sharing!

Wise Words: Tip of the Week

I’m back in Toronto and quite happy about that. The trip was great, but coming home is always fantastic. One important thing I’ve learned is that when it comes to relationships, spending quality time with your partner and with yourself is important. If you are poly and have lots of partners, it can be even more important to make sure that  you have time for yourself. This can be spent, of course, in any way you want. Meeting friends, cultivating a skill or just hanging out alone is important. That’s one reason why I like travelling alone. I can decide how I get to spend my day. If I want to be alone, I can be alone or if I want to meet people, I can do that. This was my first trip where I was with someone and I could date others and that was exciting! I met lots of great people on this trip and it made me think a lot about what kind of relationships I want. Someone on this trip said to me that the great thing about poly is that every relationship you create can take the course it was meant to take, whether it’s a friends with benefits situation  or something more serious. Now that I’ve returned, I feel tired but recharged. My partner and I met last night after not having seen each other for 3 weeks and it was great.

Please keep the questions coming! My email is miriam@askmiriam.ca 

Post Navigation