I’d like to share two main thoughts this week. The first, which I have spoken about with many people, is about communication and sex. I am increasingly becoming convinced that if you have good communication and good sex, you’re 80% or more on your way to a good relationship. Of course, there are other things that build relationships, but if you can talk to your partner about anything and you enjoy the physical intimacy, problems that come up can be solved relatively easily. I was recently told by a partner that our communication is the best they’ve ever had. I think that women are often not encouraged to communicate their desires and I am apparently good at this. There are times of course where I fear saying exactly what I want. I don’t like causing upset and I’m not great at handling conflict. Generally though I feel safe to say what I want and I’m grateful for that. Partners need to be mindful that they are meeting each other’s needs in a way that works for all parties. Expressing desires is definitely part of that. That’s the communication part of the story.
Sex, well, variety is good- that’s one of the joys of poly. One of the things I love is that everyone is good at different things and I really like seeing what people are good at. As I mentioned in a previous post, I met someone recently who’s into BDSM. We have done a bit of that and I’m looking forward to more. He can also be very gentle. Vive le difference! If you’re reading this and you’re monogamous and intend to stay that way- you gotta mix it up. Try new things. In a long term relationship, it’s easy to slip into the same routine. Both partners need to be willing to learn new tricks. This can also happen in poly but the great thing is, you can have different kinds of sex with different people.
Onto the second main thought- the search for a primary partner. This is something I feel conflicted about. One of the reasons why I became poly was to avoid traditional relationships. Yet I would like to find someone to share a life with. Many people decide to do solo poly where they don’t have a primary partner and I very much admire that. Perhaps I feel that’s not for me. Perhaps I am being influenced by my parents who are pushing me to find someone where I can be #1. Why does it have to be a competition? Is it our competitive culture? It’s hard to pin down why I feel this way. I recognize that my current relationships have limitations and I accept those. My most recent partner and I call each other ersatz primaries. We care about each other a lot but we know we probably won’t end up together as primaries in the long run. I’d very much like him in my life because I value what we have. My first partner is already married. He and I have discussed having some sort of poly compound in the future but this won’t be for a very long time most likely. I have recently been dating someone where I feel there is a lot of potential but he works quite a bit. I don’t see that as a desirable trait. One of the wonderful things about poly is being able to be picky. Of course, we cannot design human beings, but there are certain things I have now that I would like to have in a primary partner- someone who is honest, sympathetic, caring, a good communicator, and accepts me for who I am. I find that I often attract more introverted people and I’d like to be with someone who’s a bit more extroverted and who enjoys the company of different people. The one thing I cannot control for, however, is chemistry. When I had my first date with my first partner, the chemistry was undeniable. We felt close easily and quickly. That can be overwhelming sometimes but also wonderful. That is definitely something I search for…
I’m currently in Denver and I’m shortly off to Vancouver and Seattle. I will be presenting at the polyamory conference in Vancouver. For those of you who live in the area or who will be there between May 31st and June 2nd, come on by! Check out polyadvocacy.ca for details. And as always, send me any questions to firstname.lastname@example.org I really look forward to all of your questions and thoughts.