AskMiriam

Relationship Advice and Columns

Let’s Talk about Sex

For people who know me who read this blog, you know that I like talking about sex. I think that sex needs to be discussed more often in daily life. When I was very little, my mom taught child birth education. In our garage, we had large diagrams of penises and vaginas. My mom recently told me that I used to show these diagrams to the neighbourhood kids. These days, I just talk about sex at parties. I realize that this scares people off sometimes but I have to admit that I enjoy pushing people’s buttons. The only problem is that there are times when I do talk about it and the person I’m talking to thinks that I’m into them. I had an experience in July of last year when I visited Chicago. I met a friend of a friend and I shared some poetry of a sexual nature with him. He thought that I liked him when in fact I wasn’t attracted to him in the slightest. I just enjoy sharing my poetry and I’m used to performing so I’m not shy about it.

One of the things I like about the poly community is that we talk about sex. In fact, we have to. When I attended the Loving More polyamory conference in Philadelphia in February, one of the speakers reported that poly people get tested for STIs more often than monogamous people do. We have to be careful about our own health as well as the health of our partners and metamours. Unfortunately, STI testing is not always accurate and there are many things we don’t test for. Currently, about 80% of the population carries around HPV (human papilloma virus) and there is a vaccine for it, but it is not tested for in most STI tests. I had a discussion once with an ex about STI testing and after a lot of reading, we weren’t sure if any of the information out there is sex positive. I’ve also heard that if you are worried about STIs, you are less likely to take precautions when you have sex. Rates of transmission for oral sex also seem to be low. What is a person to do about all of this? If I am at a club or with a new partner, for example, I always ask them if they have been tested. I only play with people I feel I can trust. Some people want to see a full STI workup before they have sex with someone. You have to do what’s right for you. The most important thing is to have the conversation. It can be a difficult thing to do but we did not become poly to make our lives easier. My new partner and I have recently had conversations about sex and STIs and the rewards are well worth it. The ability to talk about these subjects in a relationship is paramount and can bring couples closer.

One thing I find interesting about poly is its relation to sex drive. It often seems that being able to love openly suddenly makes one want to have more sex. I think this can be a great development for women because we are often taught to repress our sexual desire. I sometimes find it a bit disturbing for men, though. I think it’s fantastic when the men want to please their partners and they put their partners’ needs ahead of their own, which I find most poly men do. However, for men with very high sex drives, they may become very demanding. Men are programmed to spread their seed and I think poly can make that urge even higher. I don’t pretend that I can speak for men because I am not one, but I will say that consent is extremely important. Sex should be fun, after all…

Don’t forget to send me your questions to miriam@askmiriam.ca  Thanks for continuing to read this blog!    

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2 thoughts on “Let’s Talk about Sex

  1. I definitely learned more about STIs just from personal research in the first six months I was non-monogamous than I had learned in all of my public school sex-ed classes combined!

  2. >However, for men with very high sex drives, they may become very demanding. Men are programmed to spread their seed and I think poly can make that urge even higher.

    Well, women with high sex drives can be highly demanding as well, and well they should. If either partner has a higher sex drive, Poly opens new prospects. That’s not the only thing Poly opens up, but it is a meaningful part. “Spreading their seed” is an interesting conjecture but it is hardly the rule among apes, which include hominids.

    Talking is one of the benefits of Poly relationships, because it does help to know how each person operates. Throw in a little kink and the discussion gets even more forthcoming. That make the “responsibility” discussions that much easier.

    The last thing talking about sex at a party is likely to do is scare ME off. Sex is interesting and fun which is what a party is all about! It may lead to sex, lead only to arousal, or simply be an interesting set of observations, but scarey it ain’t. Sex is often leavened with humor, so any talk about sex is likely to at least be amusing.

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