Ben just spent the weekend at my place again. After having a rather intense conversation on Friday night, I asked him if it would be okay if I talked about that particular conversation on this blog. He said, I was just thinking about telling you that that would be fine. It’s uncanny how alike we think. We often attribute it to the fact that we both have a nonverbal learning disability, which affects various things including visual-spatial reasoning and social skills. We are often unable to read social cues. However, one of the few things Ben and I do not have in common is the desire to have children. Ben wants to and I’m pretty sure I don’t. I don’t like saying that I will never have kids, because I like keeping possibilities open. In September, I dated someone as a potential primary partner who told me he was going to have a vasectomy and my immediate thought was, but what if I want the option.
When Ben was here, we talked about children. I told him that when I was with my longtime ex, I thought about kids for a good chunk of the relationship and I felt like it was hanging over my head. That’s part of the reason why I ended it. After the conversation ended, Ben was crying. I was upstairs and came down to talk about it. He told me that he has accepted the fact that if we stay together for the long term, which we both would like, there probably will not be children. One of the wonderful things about polyamory is that he could potentially have children with someone else. I told him early on that I would be comfortable with 3 of us living together, assuming she and I got along, and the 2 of them raising children. I like the idea of being the aunt. I would like to help out from time to time, but I don’t necessarily want to have the responsibility for the rest of my life. I very much enjoy my independence. Also, like many people who consider themselves feminists, I think that women should have the choice of whether to have children or not. I’m very much aware of the fact that if Ben and I had children, he would gladly take on the lion’s share of the responsibility. I know that I wouldn’t be the pregnant and barefoot wife in the kitchen. However, it still involves a lot of work that I’m not sure I want. I like talking about these things early on in the relationship because I think it’s important to clarify what you want in the long term. Some people find it scary and intense, but personally, I don’t do small talk.
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