I have been thinking a lot about the above for quite some time. People often report that in monogamous relationships, they have to hide parts of themselves. They can’t tell their partner about, for example, being attracted to others and this can sometimes extend into other areas. I was with someone for a long time until June 2012. In the summer of 2011, I met someone who was in an open relationship and fell head over heels for them. I told my ex about that person and he was very jealous. Over the last year of our relationship, I couldn’t talk at all about the new person I had met because it made my ex feel insecure. There was even a period where I didn’t communicate with the new person because my ex was hurt. In the end, the long relationship ended, for a variety of reasons, and I moved into being poly.
Many people remark that I am a very open person. I find that since becoming poly, the ability to have open relationships makes me even more open in all areas of my life. I think that’s part of the reason why I write this blog. Occasionally being open gets me into trouble because I might express something at an inappropriate time and/or place. However, I personally believe that being open about we feel is so important. In polyamory, we HAVE to be honest with our partners about how we feel about others and this openness is usually cause for celebration. As we move into multiple relationships, we have to communicate how much time we want to spend with a given person, what kinds of activities we’d like to do, and of course, lots of communication needs to take place around all things sexual- be it STIs, our sexual history, consent, etc. So, yes, polyamory is a different way of having a relationship or relationships, but above all, it is a way of communicating. It is the freedom to tell your partner, I really like this person, or, yes I would like to be flogged, or yes I am attracted to multiple genders. If anything is hidden, it can be detrimental to the relationship, whether polyamorous or monogamous.
I feel very lucky that in most of my relationships, communication has been good to excellent. Of course, this isn’t just luck; it’s something you can work at. Currently, Ben and I have remarked that we give each other the space to say anything. This makes it feel like a real adult relationship because we can get into really deep discussions about anything. That was on display last weekend when we had a pretty serious talk about the future of our relationship. The resolution was very positive. It made me feel confident that if we can communicate about our big vision of what our future will be like, the little details will sort themselves out.
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