Relationship Advice and Columns

Our Relationships, Ourselves

Over this past weekend, when Ben was visiting, he said something very interesting that bears repeating. I realize now that it should have been obvious to me before. We were talking about our own relationship and how complete it feels. Ben said that one of the reasons why we are polyamorous is so we can learn more things about ourselves through other relationships. I couldn’t have put it better myself. Last night, I was on a second date with someone I will call Josh. I repeated Ben’s sentiment to Josh and he then asked me what I have learned about myself through other relationships. Since becoming poly, I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned that I can be more jealous than I thought I was, but that I can also be more compersionate (adjective of compersion), depending on the relationship. I have also learned that I can actually get what I want out of a relationship; that sounds silly, but I am definitely learning that right now with Ben. I think women are often taught that we have to be the givers in the relationship- that is certainly what my mother taught me. However, when I ask for what I want, I usually get it and that is empowering. Sometimes it can be difficult to articulate exactly what we want, but clear communication is so important.

I have also learned a lot in poly because of group sex experiences. I think they actually provide good life lessons in general. Over the weekend, Ben and I had a threesome with a friend of mine, who I will call Audrey. I’ve known Audrey for over a year. Ben and I saw her at an event last week and there was some kissing. We discussed doing more and that happened this weekend. We went to a very powerful poetry event. Audrey was wearing earrings with Scrabble pieces. We all talked about how we like Scrabble and Audrey invited us back to her place to play. By the time we finished, it was very late and Audrey told us we could stay over. Her bed was big enough to sleep the 3 of us and that was lovely. Right after getting into bed, we all expressed being very tired, but kissing commenced. The experience was very positive because of the inclusivity. Everyone was engaged in doing something at almost every point. I think that is the most important thing in a threesome to make sure that no one feels left out. Another important point, and life lesson, is the ability to take a break. 2 people can be doing things and the 3rd person can watch and that is fine and fun. I enjoyed watching Ben make Audrey explode in pleasure. Normally, I’m more of a doer than a watcher, but I have learned that I don’t have to be involved all the time. The third important life lesson through group sex is that, as mentioned above, you have to ask for what you want. Audrey was very good at expressing things she wanted done to her and she asked for permission when doing certain things to us. When I wanted time with Ben, I said so and that was respected. The final lesson is, everyone has something to contribute. People have different talents and different likes and dislikes during sex. It’s great to mix things up as well. Someone once said to me that he didn’t think threesomes allowed for bold moves, especially if some of the people hadn’t been sexual together in the past, which is the case for Audrey and Ben and Audrey and myself. If you do want to make a bold move, ask. It really is that simple. Overall, Ben, Audrey, and I had a really good time. There may be more threesomes in the future…

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