Lately Ben and I have gotten into conversation about gender and sexual orientation. I expressed that there seem to be so many poly bi women, but there are so few poly bi men. I often wonder why this is the case. In our society, I think women tend to question their sexuality more. Ben said, perhaps female hormones lend themselves more to bisexuality. Then there was my gay father who said, there’s something about having a penis that makes you feel really sure about your sexuality. I also think that straight men have a lot of privilege so it’s not really in their interest to question their sexuality. Personally, I don’t like to label myself as bisexual. In 2012, I read a book about the fluiditiy of female sexual desire by Lisa Diamond, a psychology professor in the US. She had many different categories for female sexual identity. One category was, attracted to the person, not the gender – that’s definitely something I identify with.
I don’t like to put myself in a box. Over the years, I have felt myself attracted to women. When I was with my first serious boyfriend, I remember seeing an attractive woman on TV and feeling aroused. I thought to myself, am I lesbian? That boyfriend and I broke up soon after, mainly because I was starting university and I wanted to see what else was out there. In my first year, I didn’t get to have any experiences with women and I regret that. I also had the opportunity to see a therapist and didn’t take it. Then, in my second year, I started dating my ex and we ended up being together for 8.5 years. About a year and a half into dating, I went on a road trip with a female friend. We drove to a conference in Vermont and then ended up staying overnight in Montreal. On the way to Montreal, my friend I talked about not having any experiences with women – my friend was interested in exploring that. I told her I would kiss her. When we arrived in Montreal, I called my ex and asked him if it would be ok. He said he thought it was fine. I did kiss my friend and I enjoyed it.
Since I have become poly, I have only dated 2 women, and they were both for brief periods. I have had sexual experiences with women and had a good time. I find it difficult to meet women who I’m very attracted to. I also find that I can relate, in some ways, more to men. Some people have labelled me as a man with a vagina, whatever that means. I like having both a masculine and a feminine side. I don’t like shopping and I hate the typical way some women behave – it can be very passive/aggressive. I’m usually direct and I talk about sex – those are often classified as masculine behaviours. I also feel that sometimes I need to toe the line between being more masculine or more feminine. For example, I feel that I can’t wear very masculine looking clothes because what comes out of my mouth is masculine enough. I also like wearing things like dresses, especially in the hot summer. I tend to sweat, so wearing sleeved shirts can be uncomfortable. I also like shocking people because I look so normal and then I say weird things.
In any case, I really want to know what it would be like to have a female partner for a longer amount of time. I’m not sure if that’ll happen in Asia, but who knows. Perhaps I would stop debating my identity so much if I was with a woman. I could express different sides of myself. Of course, this is a reason to become polyamorous. Not only do we get to date lots of people, we get to explore how we are as people.