AskMiriam

Relationship Advice and Columns

Archive for the tag “attachment”

Settling into Attachment

This blog will be about 2 different things. Firstly, settling, by which I’m referring to the fact that I’m settling into Vancouver. As some of you might know, I’ve done my fair share of travelling and moving to new places. Unfortunately, it never gets any easier. I’ve been in Vancouver now for nearly 3 weeks. I feel lucky because I have family in the area and I have a few friends here as well. Nonetheless, it takes time to meet people and build a rapport. I feel lonely here sometimes. Ben is finally arriving on Thursday and we’ve missed each other quite a bit. I miss waking up next to someone and Ben is, quite happily, the person I like most waking up next to. I also haven’t had much opportunity here to cuddle with anyone, so I’m really missing physical touch. OkCupid has ever proved useful for dating, and I have met some people, but sparks haven’t really flown yet. To be honest, I’ve never had the best of luck with OkCupid. I find people on there who are very cool and I’ve definitely made one friend from there thus far, but chemistry is a difficult thing. It usually eludes me.

Now, some words about attachment. Before leaving Toronto, Ben and I bumped into an acquaintance of mine. I told her of my intention to pursue a PhD and do research on polyamory. She said to me, I have a topic for you. She’s considered being in poly relationships, but she has one main concern: the strength of the attachment. She believes that the attachment of a monogamous couple is much stronger than a polyamorous couple. I think she makes a fair point, but I tend to disagree with her. In a poly relationship, a couple encounters issues that a monogamous couple wouldn’t. In monogamy, jealousy is present, but it’s hidden away; poly couples have to deal with it openly and that can end a relationship. However, for the couples who succeed in dealing with jealousy, I think their relationship becomes stronger because they develop ways of communicating better (communication goes a long way in allaying jealousy, in this writer’s opinion). In addition, a monogamous relationship generally only has 2 destinations: marriage or a breakup. Poly relationships can change over time and parties need to agree to its terms before it starts, in general. It could be a D/s relationship, a purely sexual relationship, a purely emotional relationship, or anything along the spectrum. The parties in the relationship, I think, are more likely to sit down and talk about what the relationship will entail. There is, however, one thing that can be difficult in a poly relationship: since people are free to explore other bonds, they may decide to, for example, change their secondary partner to a primary partner and primary to secondary (to use hierarchical terminology that doesn’t always apply). Some people end all their relationships at once if one is going badly. These aren’t necessarily responsible practices.¬†As someone has joked before, poly people sometimes end up talking more about sex than actually having it. However, I do think that communication is often stronger in poly relationships and that makes relationships have more secure attachments.

This weekend is Pride in Vancouver and I’ll be marching tomorrow with VanPoly! I look forward to meeting more poly people here. If you have any relationship queries, email me at miriam@askmiriam.ca. I look forward to your questions as always.

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