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Kindred Spirits

The last few days have been rather interesting on both my and Ben’s end. On the weekend, we were visited by Amy, who we hadn’t seen for quite some time. Initially, she was planning to come on Saturday night, but we opted to have her over on Sunday morning. We did this for 2 reasons: We weren’t sure what Amy’s relationship situation was at the time and we want to ease Eve into poly, so perhaps having sex with Amy wasn’t the best idea. Also, on Saturday, Eve formally asked Ben to be her partner and we didn’t want to jeopardize that. Amy is involved with a guy in Beijing, but we found out on Sunday that it hasn’t solidified into a relationship yet. Eve also told us that she was fine with us having sex with Amy, so we didn’t feel bad when the threesome started happening. It was quite enjoyable for all of us. As I may have mentioned on this blog, Amy has never been with a woman before. On Sunday, I was pleasantly surprised to feel her fingering me and her telling me that she’s feeling more comfortable with me. She even said we should spend a weekend together. Who knows if that will actually happen, but the prospect is nice.

After Amy left, Ben told Eve about what happened and Eve felt upset. We discovered yesterday what the reason was: Ben had thought that Eve was upset because of the sex. In fact, she was upset because Ben had not communicated clearly what would happen. Eve told me that she’s not jealous about the sex because there is no romantic intention between Amy and Ben. I think that both Eve and Ben are feeling more strongly about the relationship now. Ben was so scared of losing her – I have to say, on my end, that’s very attractive. I reassured Eve that Ben is normally a very good communicator, but now he knows that he needs to be clearer in the future.

On Monday, I received a text message from Mily, telling me that she just wants to be friends, though good friends at that. I was upset for a bit, but I’m quite happy to have more friends and Mily’s leaving soon anyway. I don’t like getting into relationships that have an expiry date. However, that may be what I’m getting into now… As I mentioned on the last blog, I met someone else on the day I saw Mily and I could detect that there was mutual interest. He shall be known as Alex. I saw him and the friend who introduced us on Saturday and that was really nice. Ben was with us as well and he described Alex and I as kindred spirits. I invited Alex to have coffee with me on Tuesday and that went very well. It even ended with some oral sex. I do want to move cautiously because he’s 9 years younger than me and fairly inexperienced in relationships and sex. As I’ve written before, I have mixed feelings about being the teacher. That being said, he does pick things up quite quickly. He had said on our date that he’ll try to get me addicted to him. I told him that the best way to do that is regular contact. I am often the one who initiates contact, so I wanted to see if he would initiate contact with me. Up until 24 hours after the date, I hadn’t heard from him. Suddenly, the phone rang last night and it was him, asking me if I wanted to have lunch with him and our mutual friend today; I said yes. I was impressed that he learns so quickly. Perhaps this is the start of something promising… I don’t want to give a lot of personal details, but I will say that he isn’t Chinese. He wants to do a Master’s degree abroad and that could be in the US or Canada. We’ll see what the future will bring.

One issue that I am cognizant of is how public displays of affection are treated in China and the fact that most people here know that I’m with Ben. Most of our colleagues know about our poly relationship, but our students don’t. Alex and I walked around my university campus and I felt a bit self-conscious. I had to pick something up in my office and I saw one of my colleagues, who most likely doesn’t know about us being poly; I didn’t know how to introduce Alex to him. Alex and I also had dinner at a restaurant that Ben and I frequent and I could see the staff giving Alex and I looks. I don’t really want to care about all of this, but I’m nervous about what my students might think. This issue may also come up if Eve visits us. If any readers have advice on this issue, I’d love to hear it.

I recently received a question and I will answer it on this blog within a few days. If you have a question about relationships and non-monogamy, please email me at miriam@askmiriam.ca Thank you for reading!

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Question: I am a male in a relationship with a woman for 10 years now.  Our sex life has started to stagnate a little and I am finding my fantasies have been going to being with a male as well as my girlfriend.  I have had increasing bisexual thoughts in regards to oral and anal with a male.  My girlfriend currently is not interested in anal or any type of swinging and is quite content with our current sex life.  She is my best friend and everything else is great but I have these urges that I feel I need to explore.  I have some toys that I use when she is not around that I find quite fun.  I never realized how much excitement wearing a butt plug all day at the office can bring you.  I go home sexually charged, but mainly I am left to my own devices. 

Help me

Thanks

 

Answer: Hi there- thanks for writing in. I think there comes a time in every relationship where the excitment starts to dwindle. Some people call it the 7 year itch, but I think it can happen at any point. I think many of us have been in a situation where our relationships become almost too comfortable and we yearn for more experimentation. In my opinion, life is too short not to try new things. It sounds like your relationship with your girlfriend is pretty solid, so I think you have several options. You could talk to her about the possibility of you exploring things with men and it wouldn’t have to involve her if she’s not comfortable with swinging. There’s always a chance that your girlfriend has had thoughts of being with other people and it’s good to get that out in the open. Even if she says she’s happy with your sex life, she may want to experiment as well. Of course, I do not advocate for polyamory in every situation, but it does help bring excitement back into a relationship if the relationship is solid and there is a lot of trust and understanding. If your girlfriend is not open to any of these situations, it’s important you ask yourself how happy you are and whether you think it’s worth it to end the relationship. You do not want to be in a position where your partner is holding you back from pursuing your desires because that could lead to resentment and difficulty in other parts of the relationship that remain good. In either case, communication is important, so talk to her about how you feel. Happy searching!

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