AskMiriam

Relationship Advice and Columns

Archive for the tag “group sex”

Good Things Come in Threes

I’m sure that when you saw the title of this post, you thought I was talking about group sex or specifically threesomes. I actually want to talk about my theory of what a good relationship consists of. I have often spoken about this with friends and lovers, but I have never written about it here so I thought this was a good time to do so.

First, good communication. Yes I know I have written about this in many posts, but it can never be emphasized enough, especially with regard to polyamory. We have to be open about what and who we want. When we have partners, they have to know what’s going on. We have to check in and give heads up like there is no tomorrow. I think good communication is often missing from monogamous relationships. You can never underestimate the power of an amazing conversation or just sharing stories from your past. When secrets are revealed to me, I feel closer to the person I’m with. This is often multiplied in polyamory because if I’m dating someone who is in a relationship with someone else, that other partner and I can talk about our own mutual partner. I might tell that person things they didn’t know about our partner. Also, if my partner has an ex I am friends with, I can talk to the ex about what my partner did in the past. This can be very powerful stuff.

Next, good sex. Okay so this post isn’t entirely devoid of sex, but this isn’t specifically about threesomes. When you have good chemistry in life, this can often translate to chemistry in the bedroom. I once heard someone say that the best quality a lover can have is creativity. You have to mix things up sometimes, especially if you are in a long term relationship. Creativity can include lots of things like trying a new position, adding things like BDSM or other types of kink, having sex in different places, testing out whether different points on the body are sensitive, etc. Ok, it can also include things like threesomes and group sex. As long as all partners are satisfied, you’re on the right track. And remember, consent is very very sexy. If you’re planning to try something very different and new for everyone, talk about it first and if needed, plan for it. You may need to go out and get new things; another fun adventure to have together.

Finally, and I think this is something that can be neglected but is very important, good food. This is especially pertinent if you are living together or you spend lots of time in each other’s homes. Go food shopping together or go fruit picking somewhere. Cook together. Eat together and talk while you do so; turn off the TV and computers and I promise, you will be happier. Whether the relationship is romantic or not, good food is important. I just spent a few days at Ben’s mother’s home in eastern Ontario and played cook for a few meals, as they had lots of housework and yardwork to do. Ben’s mom really appreciated the effort I went to. I also happen to like cooking, so it’s not a bother for me. Ben likes doing dishes, so we complement each other well in that regard. Ben has told me before that when we’re apart, he misses my food. That is always a great compliment to get. The food you make doesn’t have to be complicated and many people have simple tastes. I personally like to make simple things because food usually gets on the table faster that way.

Of course, there are other things that make a relationship work, but I think these are 3 very basic things we need to get right. Good communication challenges our brains and good sex and food satisfies our bodies. If you have any questions on how to get these 3 things right, email me at miriam@askmiriam.ca  Thanks as always for reading!

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Our Relationships, Ourselves

Over this past weekend, when Ben was visiting, he said something very interesting that bears repeating. I realize now that it should have been obvious to me before. We were talking about our own relationship and how complete it feels. Ben said that one of the reasons why we are polyamorous is so we can learn more things about ourselves through other relationships. I couldn’t have put it better myself. Last night, I was on a second date with someone I will call Josh. I repeated Ben’s sentiment to Josh and he then asked me what I have learned about myself through other relationships. Since becoming poly, I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned that I can be more jealous than I thought I was, but that I can also be more compersionate (adjective of compersion), depending on the relationship. I have also learned that I can actually get what I want out of a relationship; that sounds silly, but I am definitely learning that right now with Ben. I think women are often taught that we have to be the givers in the relationship- that is certainly what my mother taught me. However, when I ask for what I want, I usually get it and that is empowering. Sometimes it can be difficult to articulate exactly what we want, but clear communication is so important.

I have also learned a lot in poly because of group sex experiences. I think they actually provide good life lessons in general. Over the weekend, Ben and I had a threesome with a friend of mine, who I will call Audrey. I’ve known Audrey for over a year. Ben and I saw her at an event last week and there was some kissing. We discussed doing more and that happened this weekend. We went to a very powerful poetry event. Audrey was wearing earrings with Scrabble pieces. We all talked about how we like Scrabble and Audrey invited us back to her place to play. By the time we finished, it was very late and Audrey told us we could stay over. Her bed was big enough to sleep the 3 of us and that was lovely. Right after getting into bed, we all expressed being very tired, but kissing commenced. The experience was very positive because of the inclusivity. Everyone was engaged in doing something at almost every point. I think that is the most important thing in a threesome to make sure that no one feels left out. Another important point, and life lesson, is the ability to take a break. 2 people can be doing things and the 3rd person can watch and that is fine and fun. I enjoyed watching Ben make Audrey explode in pleasure. Normally, I’m more of a doer than a watcher, but I have learned that I don’t have to be involved all the time. The third important life lesson through group sex is that, as mentioned above, you have to ask for what you want. Audrey was very good at expressing things she wanted done to her and she asked for permission when doing certain things to us. When I wanted time with Ben, I said so and that was respected. The final lesson is, everyone has something to contribute. People have different talents and different likes and dislikes during sex. It’s great to mix things up as well. Someone once said to me that he didn’t think threesomes allowed for bold moves, especially if some of the people hadn’t been sexual together in the past, which is the case for Audrey and Ben and Audrey and myself. If you do want to make a bold move, ask. It really is that simple. Overall, Ben, Audrey, and I had a really good time. There may be more threesomes in the future…

Attention Seeking Behaviour

For those of you who know me, you know I like attention. I remember having a conversation with a cousin last year about how being the younger child (I have an older sister) can breed a desire to attract attention. That cousin of mine is also the youngest among her siblings and she somewhat agreed with me. As a teenager, I started going to an arts camp and performing and I loved it. In high school, I took dance and drama. I performed in a few one act plays in Grade 11 and then in Grade 12, my dance teacher started a competitive hip hop team and we went to competitions. The thrill of being on stage was amazing. I love how the adrenalin pushes me to do well. In university, I performed at the festival of dance and then I joined a dance group and we put on shows every year. I am in that group again now and we are leading up to our show next month, which I’m very much looking forward to.

With regards to relationships, I have often felt the desire to impress my partner. I usually date very smart people and I feel I need to show how smart I am. Intelligence is such a turn on! At the end of my longest relationship, I felt somewhat neglected. My ex was feeling neglected as well because a year before we broke up, I met the person who basically made me polyamorous; he and I were in touch a lot. That person made me realize that something was lacking with my ex and he knew he was giving me attention I needed. I know now that one of the reasons I became poly was to continue getting that attention. Also, my parents divorced when I was young and I grew up with my mother and sister, so my theory is that now I crave male attention and I have certainly gotten it. So much so that I am a bit tired of men now. Ben is an amazing partner and I will meet this person aka compersionator (http://itsnotaboutthesex.wordpress.com/) next week, so I am getting plenty of male attention. I should also say that when I was growing up, I went to a horrible Jewish private school. I didn’t have a real friend until I was 13. That experience taught me 2 things: being yourself is priceless but being left out can be awful. I told Ben recently that when we’ve been in group sex situations, I sometimes feel left out when I’m not the one being sexual with him. I realize that this reminds me of being left out as a child. This gives me an opportunity to confront those feelings from childhood and from the end of my monogamous relationship. Polyamory definitely allows for growth…

As mentioned above, I’m meeting the compersionator next week. He will arrive next Friday. We had a conversation on Sunday and we both agreed that we are now more excited than nervous. I look forward to finally meeting him after several months of exchanging emails and I like showing off my hometown. I hope he likes it. He seems to relish the idea of living here, assuming things go well. The attention seeker in me would love to live with him and Ben…

Under My Influence

I saw a friend a couple of nights ago who often reminds me of the power I apparently wield. She said that people do things under the influence of Miriam and the past week has had evidence of that. Last Thursday I went to a sex club with someone I met there about a year ago. I wasn’t sure if that was going to go anywhere and indeed it did not- it did with other people, though. My friend and I were in the hot tub and in walked a couple. I told my friend I was interested in the woman and he encouraged me to talk to her. I’m still somewhat inexperienced with women and I’m sometimes scared of coming across in a creepy way, so I wasn’t sure exactly what to say. I was sitting at the bar having some water and the couple approached; we started talking. It was actually their first time at a sex club and they were very new to non-monogamous things in general. We had a nice conversation and agreed to go upstairs. I showed them around and then we sat down on one of the “beds.” The woman sat in the middle between her husband and I and said to me very plainly, do we kiss now? I thought that was adorable. We started kissing and I kissed her husband, which was all very pleasant. Her husband and I pleasured her a bit and then she said, I don’t have to be the one in the middle, so I went in the middle and they both fingered me. In addition to it being their first time at the sex club, it was actually their first threesome. I enjoyed it. 

More firsts: on the weekend, Ben visited again and we went to a party on Saturday night. We had gone to a party the previous weekend and met a couple there who invited us to their party. At the party this past weekend, we played board games and danced a bit. Many of my friends were there and it was a good night all around. At the very end of the night, it was just Ben and I and the couple hosting the party. They showed us around their house and invited us to cuddle in their bed. Ben and I started kissing and then he went to the bathroom. By the time he came back, the couple was in the bed as well and we all started cuddling and making out. There wasn’t really any explicit discussion about all 4 of us doing things together, but I did ask the couple about their STI history and they inquired about ours. They told us that this was their first foursome and it was my first as well, in the sense of couple swapping. I was somewhat interested in the guy, but at that particular time, I was not that horny. We all just went with the relaxed vibe. Ben pleasured the woman and she pleasured him; I really enjoyed watching that. The guy was slightly rough with me, which I do enjoy from time to time. Ben is usually very gentle with me, so vive le difference! Ben and I ended up walking home at 4am and passed a man shovelling snow who asked us how our night was; we laughed. We had a good talk on the way home about these sorts of situations. Ben and I have been in a couple of group situations and I enjoy them while they are happening, but afterward, something feels off. I realize that I feel a bit excluded because I want to be the one doing things with or to Ben. When I was a kid, I was often left out and those emotions were coming back. We resolved that we would make each other feel more included and come up with some sort of code word to remind each other how we strongly we feel about the other. We did see the couple from that night 2 nights later and told them about all of this. There’s a chance of this happening again, but we don’t think it will be planned; the spontaneity makes it more fun in a way.

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