AskMiriam: Becoming Poly

Question: What is the one piece of advice that you would give to married men who are interested in exploring polyamory?

Answer: It can be difficult to know how to start being poly. I can’t really come at it from the perspective of a married man, because I’m not one, but I can share what it was like for me at the beginning. Back then I was completely single, fresh out of an 8.5 year relationship. I expected it would be very difficult to meet people who were either a) poly or b) okay with me doing it. However, I joined a group (now called Polyamory Toronto) and I met lots of people there. They gave me advice, resources, and I had relationships with people in the group. You can also join OkCupid and meet people that way – OkCupid has an option where you can tell people you’re in a relationship, but that you also date others. Polyamory is becoming increasingly popular: it’s been in the media, on the Internet, etc. Every day, more and more people join Polyamory Toronto and other groups. Once a month, you can attend the Ethical Lovers’ Group at UofT where you can ask questions about polyamory and other types of ethical non-monogamy. So, finding people is really not that hard. You just have to put yourself out there a bit.

What I didn’t anticipate when I became poly was the emotional side of it. You will experience emotions that you perhaps never had before. You might find yourself becoming jealous even when you didn’t think you were a jealous person. You might see your wife flirt with other people and feel left out. When I first became poly, I did have those emotions and I mainly overcame them through a healthy sense of self and lots of communication with parthers. I also felt euphoric; I felt like I should have been doing this my whole life. That is of course a wonderful feeling, but you will come down from that high at some point, so prepare yourself for that. The number one thing is, check in with yourself and your wife. If both you and your wife feel that what you are doing is right, awesome! If not, you can go back to the drawing board anytime. The first rule of polyamory: communicate, communicate, communicate – in this case, with yourself and your wife.

Polyamory can be both a wonderful and at times hellish journey; remember that everything including bad feelings can be magnified when you’re with multiple people. Just remember, it’s usually more interesting than monogamy…