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Archive for the tag “oral sex”

Kindred Spirits

The last few days have been rather interesting on both my and Ben’s end. On the weekend, we were visited by Amy, who we hadn’t seen for quite some time. Initially, she was planning to come on Saturday night, but we opted to have her over on Sunday morning. We did this for 2 reasons: We weren’t sure what Amy’s relationship situation was at the time and we want to ease Eve into poly, so perhaps having sex with Amy wasn’t the best idea. Also, on Saturday, Eve formally asked Ben to be her partner and we didn’t want to jeopardize that. Amy is involved with a guy in Beijing, but we found out on Sunday that it hasn’t solidified into a relationship yet. Eve also told us that she was fine with us having sex with Amy, so we didn’t feel bad when the threesome started happening. It was quite enjoyable for all of us. As I may have mentioned on this blog, Amy has never been with a woman before. On Sunday, I was pleasantly surprised to feel her fingering me and her telling me that she’s feeling more comfortable with me. She even said we should spend a weekend together. Who knows if that will actually happen, but the prospect is nice.

After Amy left, Ben told Eve about what happened and Eve felt upset. We discovered yesterday what the reason was: Ben had thought that Eve was upset because of the sex. In fact, she was upset because Ben had not communicated clearly what would happen. Eve told me that she’s not jealous about the sex because there is no romantic intention between Amy and Ben. I think that both Eve and Ben are feeling more strongly about the relationship now. Ben was so scared of losing her – I have to say, on my end, that’s very attractive. I reassured Eve that Ben is normally a very good communicator, but now he knows that he needs to be clearer in the future.

On Monday, I received a text message from Mily, telling me that she just wants to be friends, though good friends at that. I was upset for a bit, but I’m quite happy to have more friends and Mily’s leaving soon anyway. I don’t like getting into relationships that have an expiry date. However, that may be what I’m getting into now… As I mentioned on the last blog, I met someone else on the day I saw Mily and I could detect that there was mutual interest. He shall be known as Alex. I saw him and the friend who introduced us on Saturday and that was really nice. Ben was with us as well and he described Alex and I as kindred spirits. I invited Alex to have coffee with me on Tuesday and that went very well. It even ended with some oral sex. I do want to move cautiously because he’s 9 years younger than me and fairly inexperienced in relationships and sex. As I’ve written before, I have mixed feelings about being the teacher. That being said, he does pick things up quite quickly. He had said on our date that he’ll try to get me addicted to him. I told him that the best way to do that is regular contact. I am often the one who initiates contact, so I wanted to see if he would initiate contact with me. Up until 24 hours after the date, I hadn’t heard from him. Suddenly, the phone rang last night and it was him, asking me if I wanted to have lunch with him and our mutual friend today; I said yes. I was impressed that he learns so quickly. Perhaps this is the start of something promising… I don’t want to give a lot of personal details, but I will say that he isn’t Chinese. He wants to do a Master’s degree abroad and that could be in the US or Canada. We’ll see what the future will bring.

One issue that I am cognizant of is how public displays of affection are treated in China and the fact that most people here know that I’m with Ben. Most of our colleagues know about our poly relationship, but our students don’t. Alex and I walked around my university campus and I felt a bit self-conscious. I had to pick something up in my office and I saw one of my colleagues, who most likely doesn’t know about us being poly; I didn’t know how to introduce Alex to him. Alex and I also had dinner at a restaurant that Ben and I frequent and I could see the staff giving Alex and I looks. I don’t really want to care about all of this, but I’m nervous about what my students might think. This issue may also come up if Eve visits us. If any readers have advice on this issue, I’d love to hear it.

I recently received a question and I will answer it on this blog within a few days. If you have a question about relationships and non-monogamy, please email me at miriam@askmiriam.ca Thank you for reading!

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Swinger Culture

I’m now in Tokyo, having just arrived last night from Kobe. While in Kobe, I met someone off of OkCupid who I will call Steve. He’s American and lives in Osaka, which is quite close to Kobe. Steve had been in non-monogamous relationships before and wanted to, as he said, pick my brain about polyamory, which I was happy for. We had dinner together and talked about issues with non-monogamy. He also kept boasting about his oral sex skills. I had been up front with him about not being attracted, but I felt horny and he was keen to go down on me, so I agreed. We went to a love hotel and I have to say, he did have very good skills. He also told me about a swinger’s club in Osaka and I was curious, so we agreed to go the next day.

The club looks like most swingers clubs I have been to, just smaller. When you enter, there’s a small bar area. First we deposited our things in a locker and had a shower. Then we went to the bar and had some drinks. The bartender, as you may imagine, is pretty friendly. There was a TV with some music videos playing, so it’s a pleasant place to hang out. Of course, there is an area where you can have sex. There are some private booths, a couple with computers – not surprising, as this is the land of technology. Then there is a free space with 3 couches where you can do whatever you like. Single men aren’t allowed back there. If there is a single woman who’s interested in a single man, she needs to vouch for him and then they can go into the back.

Steve and I went into the free space and there were 2 other couples there. One couple looked very awkward, almost as if they didn’t want to be there. The woman looked pretty amused in her nurse’s outfit (you can either wear a robe or a costume- I chose to wear a robe) and the man just sat there with his arm around her. The other couple looked quite keen just to have sex with each other. I was interested in the woman, but the man didn’t seem like he wanted to share. Steve commented that some people might come to a swinger’s club because it’s cheaper than a love hotel or just because they wanted to be watched.

Much like other swinger’s clubs, the couples I saw there and the single guys that wandered in were a bit older. I’m glad to see that they are trying to spice up their relationship rather than cheat on each other, as cheating is rampant in Japan. According to Pamela Druckerman, the author of Lust in Translation (a very interesting book I read awhile ago), “Hints of Japan’s infidelity levels come only from the enormous size of the country’s paid-sex industry, which is famously frequented by married businessmen. A legal loophole permits a man and a woman to strike a private agreement for sex. Understandably, the state would rather not be confronted with the details (http://www.alternet.org/story/81022/lust_in_translation%3A_which_country_has_the_highest_rates_of_infidelity).”

It’s very easy in Japan for a husband to tell his wife that he’s working late when he’s actually having an affair. The wife generally won’t ask questions and she may even have an affair of her own. According to Japantoday.com, nearly 15% of housewives have also had an affair (http://www.japantoday.com/category/lifestyle/view/14-8-of-japanese-housewives-claim-to-have-committed-adultery). A lot of couples would rather stay in an unhappy marriage than have to endure divorce, for various reasons. I think that one of the biggest issues in Japan is the unwillingness to talk about sex. If there was more communication on that subject, many problems could be solved and perhaps, alternative relationship styles would be more acceptable. Until then, I think adultery here will continue.

I will be in Tokyo until next Thursday and before then, I’ll be meeting at least 2 poly people here, which I’m very much looking forward to. Then I head to Taiwan! If you have any relationship questions, email me at miriam@askmiriam.ca. Thank you as always for reading!

The Student

Sunday and Monday were days of firsts for me and others. On Sunday, I received a text message from someone I am calling Enrique. Ben and I met Enrique at a sex club on New Year’s Day. He was a very young looking guy who was clearly very interested in me, but not very experienced. He cuddled me while Ben and I had sex, which was a lot of fun. However, he also bit me while kissing me, which was a turnoff because kissing is very important to me. We all exchanged phone numbers. Enrique and Ben also seemed to have a nice chat when we were getting ready to leave the sex club and I liked that. I really like it when everyone gets along. Hurray for metamours!

Enrique and I have exchanged a few texts since that day and on Sunday, he wrote that he was thinking of coming to Toronto, if there was room for him. He lives 1.5 hours away. I suddenly felt very nervous and I felt the need to call Ben to see what he thought. This was the first time I have called a partner to see if what I was doing would be okay. My motto in life is, do what and who you want, so I surprised myself that I felt the need to call Ben. I was nervous about the fact that he wasn’t very experienced. Ben was, of course, completely fine with Enrique coming over. I feel very fortunate that at this point in my life, there are 3 men who are very happy to travel to see me (Ben, Enrique, and a certain person in Texas). Enrique arrived on Monday night. His eagerness is both charming and off-putting. He stepped into the foyer of my house and just started making out with me. As I mentioned before, he’s not a very good kisser, but I told him I wanted to teach him how to be a better lover and he kept calling me Dr. Katz, which I have to say I enjoyed. He really likes French kissing and I told him he has to work up to it. You can’t just stick your tongue in a woman’s mouth, especially mine. Of course, every woman is different, but I think most women appreciate some leadup. By Tuesday morning, his kissing technique was starting to improve.

Later that night, Enrique and I were in bed and I asked him if he would go down on me. It was actually his first time going down on a woman. I have to say, he was pretty good at it. Unfortunately, when he kissed me afterward, I felt turned off and I was ready to sleep, but Enrique was still riled up. Neither of us slept very well. He neglected to tell me before going to bed that he would have slept like a rock if he had come. Of course, that does not change the fact that I was not in the mood. Enrique is very keen to see me again, but I am not starting another long distance relationship. Despite the desire to be a teacher, I also don’t want to be involved with someone who’s inexperienced. It can be exhausting. I very much appreciate Enrique’s desire to get better, though. 

If you have any questions, send me an email to miriam@askmiriam.ca

Things that Emanate from the Mouth

To be poly requires a lot of oral effort and I mean that in every way possible. I’d like to discuss both of those things this week. First of all, with regards to communication, lots of people say that the first rule of poly is communicate, communicate, communicate… and then communicate some more. One of the things we talk about from time to time, I say somewhat facetiously, is labels. Do labels mean anything and do they really matter? I recently met someone at a social who I found quite interesting. We went out a few times and then we ended up going to a BDSM workshop together. Both of us are pretty interested in BDSM, but haven’t done much. The workshop wasn’t the greatest- one of the people there kept staring at me, which made me pretty uncomfortable, and the instructor was not the nicest person. However, we did learn some interesting rope ties. After the workshop, I was supposed to meet with a friend and he cancelled. I turned to the person I met recently and said hey, I have the rest of the night free. We decided to go back to my place. On the way there, we talked about expectations. I told him that I’m looking for a primary partner and he can’t be that to me because he’s married. We’re both concerned because we both tend to get close to people quickly. I find that one of the most useful things about open and honest communication is that you learn a lot about people quickly and feel much closer to them. At any rate, I asked him if maybe we could be friends with benefits. I very much enjoy his company and both of us want to learn more about BDSM, so I think that label is quite fitting. Not to mention, the sex was excellent. He told me that he hasn’t had a friends with benefits before, but he’s willing to try. I am concerned because if both of us get close to people quickly, we could find ourselves becoming partners, which is what happened with my most recent partner. So, in the end, do the labels really matter? If we care about each other, like friends would, and put sex into the mix, is it inevitable that we would get even closer? Sex can be tricky. Just because you’re close physically, doesn’t mean you’re close intellectually or emotionally. However, in this case, I feel that all of those things could be true very quickly. Once again, I’d like to hear your thoughts on the matter. 

So, other things that emanate from the mouth- I consider myself very lucky because the people in my life right now all love oral sex. I also love eating and the people I know also love eating. Is there some sort of connection? I find that many poly people are vegetarian, pescetarian, vegan or have some other specific diet. We tend to eat healthy. I consider myself flexitarian. There are times when I eat fish and I have accidentally eaten meat recently, which I don’t think is the end of the world but I prefer not to eat fish or meat because of the environmental impact. I’ve talked to a lot of people about the connection between poly and food. Someone I met on my trip back in February said that our culture has a perverse relationship with both food and sex. Other people say poly people are liberal and diet goes along with that. What are your thoughts? If you have any questions, send me an email to miriam@askmiriam.ca

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