AskMiriam

Relationship Advice and Columns

Archive for the tag “scheduling”

AskMiriam about Jealousy

Questions: How do you deal with the jealousy problem? If, for example, Amy had more interest in Ben and she wants to monopolize Ben’s time, how would you deal that?

Answer: Periodically, I get asked about jealousy and I don’t think it’s a topic I could write too much about. This particular question, however, involves 3 people: myself, Ben, and Amy, so it’s a bit more specialized. I am of the opinion that every relationship is unique. Amy cannot replace what Ben and I have and I cannot replace what Amy and Ben have. If Amy wanted to spend more time with Ben, I hope that she would tell me that. At the very least, Ben would tell me and we would talk about it. The same thing might happen if I met someone new and wanted to spend more time with them; I would tell Ben about it. Now, scheduling isn’t very romantic, but I think it’s nice when people decide in advance that they’ll spend certain nights together. Of course those nights could change, but perhaps they won’t. Most people require consistency in their lives and I often feel that I do as well, even though I also enjoy adventures.

This question also deals with the issue of insecurity. If Ben were to spend more time with Amy, would I feel insecure about myself or the relationship? The answer for me is, not really. I do consider myself lucky because I was raised with a healthy sense of self. A lot of women are taught to feel bad about themselves and have low self esteem as a result. No matter the gender, some people would also think they are being replaced by the new person. I think communication goes a long way toward remedying this. If we remind our partners how much they mean to us, that certainly helps. If we do something like have sex soon after our partner comes back from seeing their partner, that can sometimes help too. We can also develop feelings of compersion, meaning we are happy when our partner is with someone else. I personally still want to develop that more… These issues aren’t always easy and depending on our own personal situation, they can feel better or worse. It’s important to be kind to yourself and tell your partner what your needs are in this situation. As always, communicate, communicate, communicate. The person with the new partner should also be sensitive toward their existing partner(s)’ feelings.

As a note, I’m currently on holiday. Tomorrow I’m off to Japan and in mid February, I head to Taiwan. I hope to have some adventures while on the road. Stay tuned! If you have a question, email me at miriam@askmiriam.ca Thank you as always for reading!

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disAPPOINTMENT

Last weekend, I had a pretty annoying experience. For about a month, I had been in contact with an Italian guy who was going to spend 2 weeks in Beijing, which is only a few hours away by train from where I live. He told me he was going to arrive on January 3 and leave on January 17. He’s been in non-monogamous relationships before and he looked like an interesting guy, so I was definitely up for meeting him. The reason why he was coming to Beijing was to work on making the Hilton Hotel more environmentally friendly, which I really respected. I told him that I wouldn’t be able to come to Beijing because he’d be here during a very busy period where I had a lot of marking to do. He said he was happy to come to Zhengzhou, the city I live in. I told him that this past weekend would work out fine.

Fast forward to him arriving in China. We added each other on skype and I wanted to talk to him before he’d come to Zhengzhou. One night, I told him I could talk to him at a certain time and he didn’t come on. The next evening, I told him I was free and that I could be online, but he still didn’t come online. 2 days later, it was already Wednesday and I assumed he would be coming on Saturday. I asked him if he was still planning to come and he said yes. I informed him that I was only really free on Saturday night because I had to do marking on Saturday afternoon and we had a guest coming over on Sunday afternoon. I didn’t hear from him again until Saturday… at about 8pm, telling me that he’d be in Zhengzhou in 2 hours, despite the fact that I had sent him messages at 10am and 1pm telling him that I wanted to talk to him before he left for Zhengzhou. On Friday, Ben wasn’t feeling great, so I had to cover for one of his classes. At that point, I assumed that the Italian guy wasn’t coming. I have to say, I was quite horny at that time and was excited to have sex with someone else; Ben was excited for me too. I suppose I should have known that the Italian guy would stay at the Hilton Hotel, which isn’t that close to our place. Given his work, he probably got a discount. He didn’t arrive at the hotel until 10:30pm and that hotel is 20 kilometres away from our house; not a trivial distance to travel, especially given that we had company coming over the next day. In the end, I did not meet the Italian guy.

I have heard many people say that scheduling is one of the most difficult parts of being polyamorous. When you have several relationships, you need to make time for everyone. Plus, we have other things going on in our lives like work, alone time, and fun time. Given that the Italian guy was coming a fairly far distance to see me, I would think he would want to confirm beforehand that I would be able to see him at a certain hour. To me, this signifies a lack of respect for a person’s life. For me, but perhaps not for him, I actually wanted to get to know him a little bit. I was hoping we’d have dinner and have a real conversation. As a fellow blogger reminds us, it’s not (just) about the sex…

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