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The Best Kept Secret of Polyamory

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about, what I think, is the best kept secret of polyamory. Say you’ve been with someone for awhile and things have become monotonous in the relationship. This is inevitable, after the NRE (new relationship energy) fades away. It’s been said that NRE, the feelings that come when you’re excited about someone at the beginning of a relationship, can last for, at most, a few years. If you’ve been in a 10 year marriage, for the sake of argument, you may well decide to open up the relationship because you want the relationship to feel fresher or more interesting. Well, here’s the secret: Yes, you may be excited about dating and/or having sex with new people, but that doesn’t change the fact that your existing relationship still may feel monotonous. It doesn’t change the fact that you still may have problems in the relationship that need sorting out. Every relationship requires a certain amount of work to be put in and that will not change either. Also, I think one of the biggest issues with polyamory for people in very long term relationships is that you can be prone to seeking out too much variety. You may be with someone for a period and decide that you are bored, once the NRE wears off. Even if you have a great second relationship, you may end it so that you can continue to have variety.  I think this is fine with mutual consent, but there may not be mutual consent when one party ends the relationship for no reason. Here’s the truth: In the end, NRE, that amazing feeling, does go away. We are hopefully left with a feeling of stability, something to last us much longer than NRE ever would. As proud polyamorists, we need to take care of the people we love.

I have been feeling lately like things are starting to be a bit monotonous with Ben and we haven’t even been together for a year and a half. The truth is, the longer we’ve been together, the more attracted I am to him, but that doesn’t mean that the sex doesn’t become monotonous. We talked about that on Monday and agreed we need to spice things up a bit. Ben wants things to be more spontaneous, but the circumstances that would allow for that don’t really exist here in China. Our apartment isn’t really the greatest because it’s completely open concept, so it’s difficult to surprise each other. There is always the roof of a building or at a friend’s house, but those all seem a bit risky. Thus, despite the fact that Ben and I are both now involved with other people, we still need to work on our relationship to make sure it keeps strengthening. We have occasional challenges on that front, but on the whole, we are committed to each other and we want to make sure that our relationship lasts the ages. I dream of having a 50th wedding anniversary because I think longevity is one of the biggest challenges in a relationship, but I think it can be done.

If you have any relationship questions, send me an email at  Thank you as always for reading!

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