AskMiriam

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Archive for the tag “threesome”

Life and Love Lessons Learned

I have a particular fondness for looking back, especially when it comes to the various poly experiences I’ve had. The other day, I put on a dress that I wore on a particularly important night. Less than 2 months after I ended the 8.5 year relationship back in 2012, I had a very good threesome with a couple I met through Craigslist. I had recently bought that dress and wondered if it was too dressy to wear to meet that couple for drinks. One of my roommates at the time told me it was fine, so I wore that and met the couple. We had a really good time together and 2 days later, I went to their home and had the threesome. They taught me a lot about inclusiveness. I felt that during the threesome, everyone was involved at some point or another and it felt great. I think that was a great way to begin my non-monogamous life.

Unfortunately, I never saw that couple again, but they definitely taught me a lesson. Poly is really about inclusivity. Sometimes Ben and I get comments that we look so cute together that people just want to leave us alone. At the end of last week, we attended a competition for some of our students. Until 2 weeks ago, we had taught a speaking class to graduate students and for their final project, they had to put on a play. One of our co-teachers thought that we should have a competition for the best groups, so Ben and I chose the best groups from our classes. Ben’s group ended up winning first place and mine won third, so we were very proud. We asked the students if they wanted to have dinner with us after the competition and they told us that they wanted to leave us alone because we looked so sweet. Unknowingly I said to them, we like being with other people. We did go out to dinner and had a great time and I’m certain they didn’t understand the full meaning of what I said.

I think that poly can teach us a lot about life in general. We should never exclude people just because they aren’t our partner. Every person plays an important role in our lives and I think poly celebrates that. It can also teach us what we want and don’t want out of relationships. When a person has more than 1 relationship, I think it’s important to think about what we expect. We have to articulate our needs in a clear way to our partner(s). Poly has also really helped me to say no. I was never good at that before I became poly; I always wanted to please people and sometimes I didn’t really know what I wanted. There are times when I’m comfortable saying yes to the unknown. I like testing my limits and as Eve likes to say, I like new experiences. However, in situations where I don’t feel comfortable, I feel much better now saying no. That being said, there are times when we have to say yes to things we don’t always like. Sometimes Ben has stayed up late talking to Eve and I sacrifice some sleep. Sometimes, Eve is upset that Ben and I are doing something that she can’t be involved in. Relationships always involve these sorts of things. In poly, we need to look out for each other and sometimes that can mean that our needs don’t come first. In an optimal situation, people have other partners and friends that can help them out when something is really important.

People have asked me if I would ever go back to being monogamous. The answer is always a big no. Why would I give up having lots of romantic love in my life, even when it can be complicated? Yes, bad things can happen because of poly, but bad things happen in any sort of relationship. Poly can be an emotional challenge, but it can also help us grow. It has also helped me question and challenge society in the best way possible: with lots of love.

Thanks for reading. My email address is miriam@askmiriam.ca if you have any relationship queries.

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Into Trouple

The word ‘Trouple’ was coined by Eve when she was here last week and I really like it, so I’ve decided to name this post Into Trouple. As many of you know, Eve visited Ben and I last week. Last weekend, I went to Beijing and by the time I arrived home on Sunday evening, Eve was there. It’s a bit odd walking into your apartment when your fiance’s girlfriend is there, but anyway, Eve and I had a nice hug and we all had dinner together. The first night was slightly awkward given that Eve and I were meeting for the first time. I was in a horny mood that night since I had been away for several days, so Ben and I asked Eve if she would be okay with seeing us have sex and she said yes. She said that it only made her feel a bit uncomfortable, so we felt thankful for that. I did feel a bit attracted to Eve that first night, but I didn’t want to do anything that would make her feel uncomfortable, so we all went to sleep.

First I will talk about the positive and surprising things that happened and then, the negative things. On Monday, Ben and I went to teach and Eve observed Ben’s classes. Later on, the 3 of us and some other friends, including Alex, went to the Chinese equivalent of karaoke, KTV. We all had a pretty good time, though Eve felt a bit left out. Afterward, we had dinner with Alex and then went home. Awhile ago, Ben and I bought an ebike and the 3 of us attempted to ride home on that, which was successful, but not something we would do again. After getting home, the 3 of us were cuddling. Eve told me how much she liked cuddling and I told her the same. I was very surprised when she started putting her hands under my clothes. What surprised me even more was how turned on I felt. She asked me if I wanted her to kiss me and I said yes. I’m always impressed at how forthright she is and I was even more impressed by her kissing skills. As the week progressed, we would wake up every morning and usually what happened was that Ben would go to the bathroom or get a drink of water and Eve and I started cuddling and kissing. Ben would return to the bed and we would have a threesome; Ben would go down on me and Eve would kiss me and suck on my breasts. Then the 2 of them would have sex. I told Eve that of all the women I’ve been with sexually, she turns me on the most. On the night before Eve left, she and Ben gave me the most intense orgasm of my life and I told both of them that. Eve and I also had a good time together when we were not being sexual. The 2 of us had 2 meals together and had good conversations. There were a couple of moments during the visit where I could tell we were thinking similar things at the same time. Overall, we got along very well, as I had expected. I was most nervous for her in this new situation, but I think she dealt with everything well. She mentioned that she does not consider herself a possessive person, so this scenario is fine for her. Finally, she and Ben said I love you to each other, which made all of us happy. Many people would ask me, doesn’t that make you jealous. At this point in my poly life, I have loved 2 people at the same time and it’s an incredible feeling. It makes you appreciate the people for who they are. It also brings a certain stability to the relationship, which makes things more regular for me. If Ben was just to have casual sex, for example, I wouldn’t be able to predict when that might happen, so a regular relationship is nice.

For the negative things: There were times last week when I did feel left out. It can be difficult when your partner has a new relationship and you feel like you are the one looking in. This situation is new for all of us; Ben hasn’t had a serious relationship since he and I got together, so I haven’t really had to share him that much. The new relationship energy can be daunting because it can make one feel insecure and wonder whether you give your partner enough. That being said, both Ben and Eve were concerned about me feeling left out and I think they did their best to include me; the threesomes certainly didn’t hurt. I also wanted to give them alone time, since they don’t get to see each other very much and I live with Ben all the time. Eve also said to me at one point, don’t fall in love with me, it would be too complicated. This is after we had been physical a couple of times. I told her that I will normally develop feelings for people if I’m physical with them enough times. She said that she enjoyed kissing and cuddling with me, but she still identifies as straight. I fully respect that and I don’t want to cause her any discomfort because she’s an important person in my life, but I was a bit taken aback when she said that. Anyway, if I was going to have a female partner, she would be different from Eve. Ben and Eve are both very similar to each other, as they both identify as INTJ on the Myers Briggs scale (Introverted-Intuitive-Thinking-Judging). Ben and I think in some similar ways and Eve and Ben think similarly in other ways. I would want to be with someone who’s a bit more similar to me – extroverted and artistic. I have often been the artistic person who spends time with science geeks and it would be nice to find someone who’s more similar to me in those ways.

On Saturday in the early hours, Ben and Eve went to the airport. They had to leave our apartment just after 5am because Eve’s flight left at 8. I left with them to make sure they were able to catch a taxi. They did make it to the airport and as I expected, I had trouble getting back to sleep. My mind conjured up many different things, including a general feeling of insecurity. I know that Ben would never leave me and I know that Eve cares about me, but the irrational part of me was saying, Eve is better for Ben; they will stay together and Ben and I won’t. Eve excites Ben and I don’t, so why should I bother. Of course, I know now that I was being irrational. Ben came home and reassured me that he’s not going anywhere. We are both committed to each other for life. The more pertinent question in fact is what will happen with Ben and Eve. We will see her in Vietnam at the end of June before we go back to Canada, but so much after that is unknown. Once Ben and I return to Canada, money will probably be an issue and we may not be able to come back to Vietnam in the near future. Eve will apply to school in North America, but there’s no guarantee that she’ll get accepted and she’ll need a scholarship to attend. Even until the end of June, we may not be able to talk to Eve much because she’s working in another city and will be living with her co-workers. Many of them know about her foreign boyfriend, but not about the polyamory. There are many unknowns at the moment, so we’ll see where it all goes. As Ben said, there is no question of ‘if’ they will be together; the question is ‘how.’

Thank you as always for reading. If you have a relationship question, email me at miriam@askmiriam.ca

Kindred Spirits

The last few days have been rather interesting on both my and Ben’s end. On the weekend, we were visited by Amy, who we hadn’t seen for quite some time. Initially, she was planning to come on Saturday night, but we opted to have her over on Sunday morning. We did this for 2 reasons: We weren’t sure what Amy’s relationship situation was at the time and we want to ease Eve into poly, so perhaps having sex with Amy wasn’t the best idea. Also, on Saturday, Eve formally asked Ben to be her partner and we didn’t want to jeopardize that. Amy is involved with a guy in Beijing, but we found out on Sunday that it hasn’t solidified into a relationship yet. Eve also told us that she was fine with us having sex with Amy, so we didn’t feel bad when the threesome started happening. It was quite enjoyable for all of us. As I may have mentioned on this blog, Amy has never been with a woman before. On Sunday, I was pleasantly surprised to feel her fingering me and her telling me that she’s feeling more comfortable with me. She even said we should spend a weekend together. Who knows if that will actually happen, but the prospect is nice.

After Amy left, Ben told Eve about what happened and Eve felt upset. We discovered yesterday what the reason was: Ben had thought that Eve was upset because of the sex. In fact, she was upset because Ben had not communicated clearly what would happen. Eve told me that she’s not jealous about the sex because there is no romantic intention between Amy and Ben. I think that both Eve and Ben are feeling more strongly about the relationship now. Ben was so scared of losing her – I have to say, on my end, that’s very attractive. I reassured Eve that Ben is normally a very good communicator, but now he knows that he needs to be clearer in the future.

On Monday, I received a text message from Mily, telling me that she just wants to be friends, though good friends at that. I was upset for a bit, but I’m quite happy to have more friends and Mily’s leaving soon anyway. I don’t like getting into relationships that have an expiry date. However, that may be what I’m getting into now… As I mentioned on the last blog, I met someone else on the day I saw Mily and I could detect that there was mutual interest. He shall be known as Alex. I saw him and the friend who introduced us on Saturday and that was really nice. Ben was with us as well and he described Alex and I as kindred spirits. I invited Alex to have coffee with me on Tuesday and that went very well. It even ended with some oral sex. I do want to move cautiously because he’s 9 years younger than me and fairly inexperienced in relationships and sex. As I’ve written before, I have mixed feelings about being the teacher. That being said, he does pick things up quite quickly. He had said on our date that he’ll try to get me addicted to him. I told him that the best way to do that is regular contact. I am often the one who initiates contact, so I wanted to see if he would initiate contact with me. Up until 24 hours after the date, I hadn’t heard from him. Suddenly, the phone rang last night and it was him, asking me if I wanted to have lunch with him and our mutual friend today; I said yes. I was impressed that he learns so quickly. Perhaps this is the start of something promising… I don’t want to give a lot of personal details, but I will say that he isn’t Chinese. He wants to do a Master’s degree abroad and that could be in the US or Canada. We’ll see what the future will bring.

One issue that I am cognizant of is how public displays of affection are treated in China and the fact that most people here know that I’m with Ben. Most of our colleagues know about our poly relationship, but our students don’t. Alex and I walked around my university campus and I felt a bit self-conscious. I had to pick something up in my office and I saw one of my colleagues, who most likely doesn’t know about us being poly; I didn’t know how to introduce Alex to him. Alex and I also had dinner at a restaurant that Ben and I frequent and I could see the staff giving Alex and I looks. I don’t really want to care about all of this, but I’m nervous about what my students might think. This issue may also come up if Eve visits us. If any readers have advice on this issue, I’d love to hear it.

I recently received a question and I will answer it on this blog within a few days. If you have a question about relationships and non-monogamy, please email me at miriam@askmiriam.ca Thank you for reading!

The Week that Was: A Mega Diary

This blog will cover the period from November 21-28, during which time many things happened. It all started with, of course, a threesome sleepover. The previous weekend, Ben and I met a woman who will be known as Amy. Ben had had contact with her online and after he and I returned from a trip, she invited us over to her place. Hers is a slightly complicated situation because she has a son and she and her husband are in the process of divorcing. However, her son doesn’t know that. With that in mind, imagine Ben and I walking into the apartment she shares with her son and her inviting us into her bedroom. She told me that she has never done anything with a woman, but she was definitely making eyes at me. I also thought she was attractive and Ben was attracted to her as well. She kissed both of us and also watched us make out on her second bed. She didn’t want to do anything further because she was on her period and her son was around.

Fast forward to November 21st when she came over to our place. She had told Ben in advance that she wanted to sleep over and we were all fine with that. She’s a pretty small woman and she fit fine in the bed with us. I was very happy that she was affectionate with both of us and very inclusive of me, despite being more attracted to Ben. She is definitely a very sexual woman and enjoyed riding both Ben and I. At one point very early on the 22nd, she told me that she wanted me to teach her how to please me. She fingered me and it felt good. I went down on her and she really liked that; she comes very easily. Of course, I have mixed feelings about being someone’s teacher. I would rather find a woman who already knows her way around another woman. And speaking of that, on the day that Amy left our place, I went to a lesbian bar with an American woman I met from OkCupid who has become a friend. It was interesting to see a lesbian bar in China. Unfortunately, my Mandarin isn’t great at the moment, so I couldn’t talk to anyone. The woman I was with has been in China for about 2 years and could translate a bit. She told the others that I was bi and I was happy to know that they didn’t think I was some type of fence sitter. She also told a couple about my polyamory and one said she thought that was cool.

The day after that, a Sunday, I ended up having quite the email exchange with a certain influential person in my life who lives in New York City. For those of you who don’t know, he basically led me into poly. I had emailed him a few days before and mentioned that I’m now teaching at a university in China. He then said that he’s coming to China during his winter break. I asked him if he’d want to see me and he said he did, but his preference was for us to meet as more than friends, which surprised me because I ended the romantic part of our relationship last year. The truth is, we have never been less than friends, but I have no desire to have sex with him. When I visited him in New York 2 years ago, I actually told him that I was less than impressed with his sexual skills, which upset him. He then visited me in January last year in Toronto and we had a fairly good time, but then contact dropped off, which upset me. Last April, I told him online I didn’t want to have a romantic relationship with him anymore and he took that harshly. Mainly, I want to see him now because I feel like I need to make amends for doing that; I certainly don’t believe in ending a relationship via chat, especially with a person who has been so important to me. He said recently that he didn’t think I was into being with him, though I confessed to him 2.5 years ago that I had been obsessed with him and that I wanted him to be present when I had the abortion. After I graduated from my Master’s, I looked for jobs all over the world, including in New York so I could be near him. I’ve written poem after poem about him.  Now, I want to tell him that when we saw each other in New York and Toronto, it didn’t really feel real; it’s as if I had dreamt it. I also felt that he didn’t want me to get close to him. Last winter, many important things happened that he never told me about. I also never got a chance to meet his primary partner despite going to the city she lives in and requesting her contact information from him. Truthfully, I have always admired him. His intellectual, artistic prowess, and his worldliness was what attracted me initially and that still holds true today.

Finally, Ben and I had a lot of discussion about our future last week. He received an email from a friend who found gold on Vancouver Island and told Ben that they should explore further, perhaps open a mine. Ben had talked about doing something like that once we returned to Canada, so this is very timely. However, we hadn’t envisioned going back next year and these plans might change that. I personally don’t feel ready to return home – I still want to see more of the world and experience that with Ben. However, I would be open to living in Vancouver and seeing what it’s like to live on the west coast of Canada. It all really comes down to finding a job. Our jobs right now are pretty good, but we’d like to live in a different place and most likely outside of China. We’ll see what happens…

If you have any questions about any sort of relationship, email me at miriam@askmiriam.ca  Thanks as always for reading!

The Courage to be Ourselves

I was very motivated to write a blog today because of something that just happened a few hours ago. I was in touch with someone about doing some writing work for them. We spoke on the weekend and I was very excited about the prospect of this project. The person I would have worked with is Jewish and of German descent. He has compiled material for many years about dualities in the Torah. I would have helped him write a book about it. I speak German, so I would have relished speaking German with someone. Then I get an email from him saying that because of associations I belong to, he doesn’t want to work with me. He apparently googled me and certain things related to poly came up. I feel like this is some form of discrimination. As some of my readers know, I’ve been looking for a job for quite awhile and I wonder if others have googled my name and have seen the same things. I spoke to a poly friend of mine before writing this post and he knows of others that have had similar things happen to them. No one should be denied a job because they happen to date more than 1 person. There should be some form of protection for those of us who are polyamorous. In our fair province of Ontario, we may be having an election soon. This should be an issue!

A friend of mine high-fived me last weekend because of my second threesome in a week. Yes folks, I did have a second threesome last week. On the weekend before last, I was chatting online with someone I will call Shawn. I met Shawn back in the fall and decided not to pursue anything with him because his primary partner was uncomfortable with him having a deep connection with others. At the time, I was looking for a more significant relationship and as you all know, I found it. Ben was here when I was chatting with Shawn, getting turned on by the fact that someone else wanted to have a threesome with me… Shawn has been seeing a new partner for 2 months. They spoke about having a threesome and apparently Shawn thought of me. I had forgotten that I said I’d be up for that sometime when Shawn and I met initially. We agreed to meet and see if we all got along. On that evening this past weekend, we all met. I had spoken with the partner in advance and she was fine with something happening that night at her place, where Shawn wanted to have this, his first, threesome. We met and all got along and then went over to the partner’s place. The actual threesome was a lot of fun. I was very attracted to the partner and Shawn was a great lover. Afterward, things were a bit awkward though. Shawn and I were talking about possibly meeting again and I half joked with him that if we met again, I might develop feelings for him. He said, not jokingly, that’s not allowed. I was immediately turned off. How I work is that I develop feelings for people somewhat quickly. It can be very difficult for me to just have a casual relationship with someone. When I want to be with someone, I go all in. I told Shawn that I think he is missing out on a lot. Perhaps, he said. As someone I know says, polyamory is not about the sex. It’s about nurturing strong relationships with many people. Sex is nice, but nothing can replace intimacy.

If you have questions, send me an email to miriam@askmiriam.ca All questions will be posted anonymously.

Threesome Etiquette

Dear Ask Miriam,

 
My partner and I are attracted to threesomes with other women. We are a het couple who like to play with women, but there is a delicate issue I was wondering how to negotiate. In threesome etiquette, what is the rule of thumb for partners receiving a man’s cum? Should I reserve my semen only for my partner, or could I sometimes ask during prior negotiations to give it to our guest? I’m generally referring to swallowing or on the chest.
 
Best Wishes,
 
Confused
 
Answer:
Dear Confused,
Thanks for writing in. It’s great to hear that you and your partner are open to these new experiences. Threesomes can be tricky – I would recommend you have a conversation with potential threesome guests and see how they feel about your cum. I would generally advise that your partner be the one to swallow your cum. If you’re talking about cum on someone’s chest, your guest could be the one to receive that- talk to your partner first and make sure she’s comfortable with that. You can also talk to your partner about what they would like to do with the guest. It’s important that you’re on the same page. Sometimes these things happen organically and there isn’t really time to negotiate who will do what and that can be great as well if everyone is open to just about anything happening, but you should make sure everyone is comfortable.
 

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