AskMiriam

Relationship Advice and Columns

Archive for the month “July, 2015”

Wherever You Go, There You Are

Apologies for taking so long to write a new blog. I returned to Canada on June 30 and things have been either busy or I felt jetlagged. I’ve also been debating what it is I would write about. I settled on writing about the above quote from a mindfulness expert – something to make my mother proud, I suppose.

For myself, the above quote rings true. I have changed my location many times over the course of my life. I really don’t mean to toot my own horn here because I do feel fortunate that I’ve had the opportunity to live in England, Japan, briefly in Germany, and finally in China. I spent most of my life living in Toronto, Canada and since I was a teenager, I wanted to at least try living somewhere else. I pictured myself in Europe, but I have to say that living in England wasn’t really my cup of tea. Germany was pretty good, but I was only there for 4 months and I’m not sure if I got the most accurate picture. Japan was very interesting, but I couldn’t see myself living there long term. And well, China is just China – it’s not an easy country to live in at all, from my own perspective. I feel lucky because living in different places has allowed me to adopt different personas, in a way. Each country has its own culture and it can be fun to adopt parts of that culture for oneself. Also, the experiences we have in different places shape us. In terms of this last trip, I feel like I learned to put up with less bullshit. I also learned that my health is very important. The issue now is, will I take those lessons and apply them to my life in Canada? I definitely intend to, but the end result may be different. Being back in Canada, I don’t necessarily feel any pressure on my health. I feel lucky to be back breathing fairly clean air and drinking water right out of the tap. I’m also back to cycling nearly everywhere and eating healthier food. I have to remind myself that there are still health issues I may have to deal with and those should be dealt with promptly. Thankfully, good healthcare is easily accessible here in Canada, at least for now.

Since returning to Canada, Ben’s mother and my parents all met for brunch. I think it went fairly well. Mainly, we all wanted to meet to discuss the wedding next year. It’s shaping up to be a very inexpensive wedding, which we’re all happy about. Ben and I have also discussed having another ceremony on the west coast of Canada before we have the wedding in Ontario in the summer. There are a few reasons to have a ceremony on the west coast: first, it would be beautiful. My grandmother is now living in Victoria, BC and I would really like her to attend. Finally, we could get¬†legally married there, at Victoria City Hall for example. We didn’t necessarily want to get legally married in the past, but it may have some benefits in the future. I would like to do my PhD in the US starting next year and if Ben wanted to come with me, it may be made easier by the fact that we’re legally married. If he didn’t come with me, legal marriage would be one way for us to show that we intend to stay together despite the distance. There is always the possibility of Ben having a child with someone else, since I don’t want children. I’ve expressed that I might feel left out in that kind of situation, so the legal marriage would be a way for Ben and I to have another tie. This is a conversation we will continue having, especially since we have lots of time until the wedding. Personally, I don’t necessarily want the government knowing that we had a ceremony. Also, if we did decide to have a triad, for example, the third person may feel excluded. I’ve thought about trying to lobby for multiparty marriage, which would allow 3 or more people to get married. I still want to keep that door open. For the moment, I’m touched that Ben has offered that he’d like to be legally married to me.

If you have any relationship questions, email me at miriam@askmiriam.ca ¬†2 days from now, I will be moving to Vancouver. I look forward to whatever awaits me there. The Vancouver polyamory scene looks quite promising…

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